Finding JOY through our trials...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

    My husband and I have never leaned so hard on that scripture then in the May of 2011; when our son Elijah suffered a grand mal seizure while out shopping and nearly took his life. As my son was laying in front of me while 3 off duty nurses work to save his life I could do nothing but cry out to God out loud praying and weeping for my son pleading with God. Laying my hands on his stiff pale body praying LIFE into him and showering him with my wet tears of love and pain. As I was praying out to God I remembered the vision God gave me when I was pregnant with Elijah. A vision of him praying over thousands and healing the sick. I always knew God has a big purpose for Elijah but I did't know it would start out like this. 

   For the next 3 days Elijah continued to battle deathly seizures and started to develop partial pyrolysis on one side of his body. We noticed we were slowly loosing our once happy bubbly little boy to these fits and didn't know how to stop them or what to do. So we turned to God and leaned on him, having him guide us through this journey. 

Still today we are fighting to find out what is causing Elijah's seizures. We have nearly lost him 4 times and even though he is going through this he still continues to lift his hands to worship music and WORSHIP God! Elijah teaches us every day the true meaning of life. To live it to your fullest and to have joy in everything. Every day Elijah wakes with a smile and love to give to all those he meets. His journey has been long and hard but we continue to seek God and have been drawn even closer to Him through it. 

   As mama's we have to face difficult choices that face us following God's leading even when the outcome is hazy, even when the right choice frightens us. You may toss and turn for nights without finding peace and joy in your choice. How do you determine the right choice? Obey the guidance you find in God's word, earnestly pray and seek trusted counsel, then trust God with the outcome. 

  

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  James 1:2-4

   Your probably telling yourself  "joy for facing my trials!?! Haha, yeah right!" But the thing is...the trials will come regardless of your attitude or how your try to out run them. They leave at a time of God's choosing. So in all reality, we really have no choice at all. And that's okay, because the decision we DO have is if we choose to accept God's blessings through the trials we face. Or we can be resistant to his working in our lives. God has a lesson through each of his trials. I feel sometimes it's God's way of telling us "wake up oh sleeper, I'm here. Remember me!?!"  Because God longs for us to spend time with us and all to often we get caught up in this world. 

  But at least you can know that your not alone! We've ALL struggled. We've all hurt, felt broken, and felt ashamed. But no matter what , God is still always right there, helping us, nudging us, providing a way for us to stand under the weight of this world. I think most Christian's would agree with me that any trial they've gone through has impacted their lives in at least one positive way. The serious struggles we face yields serious faith. Most often, the serious struggles are the ones that most remind us to focus on God. I know when my husband and I were faced with the battle of finding out our son had Epilepsy we couldn't help but to feel so close to God and know through our journey we would continue to put God first. It's never easy and yet I don't think it's supposed to be easy. That's what makes us stronger in the end. Right? The trials we face may break us down but it's to only build us back up even stronger then before and we gain that much more faith through Christ. 

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

   Do you ever feel like the enemy is hot on your heels, roaring accusations like thunder, and trying to threaten you with destruction? God knows the enemy's tactics. He is not passive, He's a ferocious fighter for you. You have the ULTIMATE defender on your side, battling the rage for you! You only need to be brave enough to be still. Sometimes we just need to learn to Trust and Obey. The funny thing is, is these two words go together like bread and butter. Yet every day we face difficult situations that seem to defy simple solutions. As women, we face difficult choices- the right course of care for a sick child, which bills to pay on time, following God's leading even when the outcome seems hazy, even when the right choice frightens us. You may even toss and turn for nights without finding peace in your choices. But yet, how do we determine the right choice? Obey the guidance you find in God's word, earnestly pray and  seek  trusted counsel, then trust God with the outcome. 

   Remember God wants us to know his JOY now! Not tomorrow or the next day, not when we're healed, not when our sorrow has passed, not when we've become successful, not when our children or spouses change, not when we've lost weight, but NOW - this day...Today! Lasting joy does not reside in God's blessings, God's favor, God's gifts or God's people, but only in God himself! 

So I just want to take this time right now to encourage you to stop right now to seek the Lord and draw upon him to find your Joy- Your Strength through your trials and journey! 

Being Thankful...

"And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are all called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Let the words of Christ, in all their richness, live in your hearts and make you wise. Use his words to teach and counsel each other. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts" Colossians 3:15-16

Wow, I don't know how much more that can ring dearer to my heart in this season for myself and my family. I have so much to be thankful for and I feel that my heart is just over flowing with the love of Christ and I just want to so badly pour it on to other. To feel this amazing love and affection of God! It's a love that not even a spouse can give. 

The only way I can describe it; you know that feel of butterflies you get in your tummy? Yeah, it's like that but only in your heart!

God so badly longs for these moments, these moments of time with Him. A time of thankfulness. 

I was thinking back to the time when I was going to Great Lakes Christian College when I learned I am a Princess! Yes, a PRINCESS! And not only a princess, but a princess becoming a Queen! It was a prophetic word given to me from a friend that has stung strong in my heart. 

One thing my mom always would tell my sister and I growing up that still rings dear to me to this day (and yes, I will use it on my children!) is that in heaven we each have a crown. We each have a beautiful crown with jewels and rubies and each time we do something good we get blessed with a new jewel for our crown.  I have a righteous crown in heaven, this crown I await for is a FREE gift! This crown I await for isn't for sale. It's not sitting somewhere in my closet. And it definitely has nothing to do with my own achievements in life.

The crown I await for is a FREE gift from God... given unexpected, and out of love. This crown will only fit a certain kind of Princess- one who is a daughter of Jesus Christ, the King of Kings.  I may not live in a castle, I may not dress like royalty in gowns of the finest cloth, or go to big fancy events, but I am still a Princess! Second Timothy 4:8 says, "Now there is in store for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award me on that day- and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing."  For years I have been seeking to find the meaning of "Your a princess becoming a Queen!" which was a word a good friend of mine gave me. I will probably seek the meaning of it until the day I come before the Lord and he places that crown on my head. But until that day I will be content to know that I AM the heir to a crown that is ment for me, and when I see the King, I'll bow before him and lay my crown at his feet.

How beautiful is it to know that we are royalty in the kingdom!?! That we are called Kings and Queens! It doesn't matter what you have done, or who you are, what you look like, or what you wear. You can be wearing rags and no shoes and still be called a King/Queen. You are a child of God! He does not judge you through your appearance. He looks at your heart! 

It took me years to understand that I was LOVED by God, That I was NEW and set FREE! I'm alive today because of the Lord, because of prayers of others, I'm alive because of my cry out for help. A hand out stretched to God to rescue me when I was in my darkest times. I have SO much to be thankful for. I was saved from depression, suicidal thoughts when I was a teen, a eating disorder, sexual sin, and abuse. For so long I cried out to God in anger. "WHERE ARE YOU!?! Your word says you are near, but why do I feel the way I do? Why am I going through the things I am?" I was hurt and angry and felt alone. I felt that I was trapped in a dark room and had no way of finding my way out until I gave up. I came to the point of not wanting to hurt anymore, of not wanting to feel alone and sad. 

I got healed when I went to youth camp and my CHAINS WERE BROKEN! God healed me of pain, hurt, anger, sadness. I was made NEW, I was SET FREE from the bonds that were holding me back and I was ALIVE! I was set on fire for God. I had a burning fire in my heart for God. I learned that I am all that He says I am! I am BEAUTIFUL, I am a PRINCESS, I am HEALED, I am ALIVE, I am a DAUGHTER, I am THANKFUL, and the biggest one...I am LOVED!!! 

Here is a song you should all just close your eyes to and let is stir your heart. 

Elijah's Journey

A friend told me I should start blogging again... A lot has happened since my last blog post.  Where to even begin? On May 16th, 2011 while shopping at Hobby Lobby my husband had Elijah in one cart and I had Elisabeth in another. While I was looking at ribbons Jason called out to me "Jona, Elijah's having a seizure!" At first I didn't process what he was saying until I looked up to see my baby boy stiff in my husbands arms shaking.  I ran over and swept him up in my arms and held him close to me screaming for help! People just stood there in shock not sure of what to do. With tears streaming down my face and screaming out to God to please save my baby and for someone to help him, three off duty nurses ran over to help Elijah. They placed him on the floor on his side while he laid there not breathing and not responding. They called out for cold water and a cloth as they started to take his clothes off. And all I could do is sit there and cry out to God "WHY!?! WHY HIM!!! Please God, please just take me!" (It still plays in my mind as if it just happened yesterday, so please bare with me as I try to keep my composer) Three people (including my husband) all called 911. I don't remember much from the time the nurses took Elijah to the time the ambulance arrived. All I know is that Elijah was in a Grand Mal Seizure for 20 mins and had stopped breathing. By the time the ambulance arrived Elijah started to come out of the seizure but needed oxygen. They placed him on my lap in the ambulance and he was stiff as a board and continued to have little shakes. We weren't sure if he was going to go into another seizure. 

I just kept talking to him and telling him how much mama loved him and that I was right there with him giving him kisses as big alligator tears fell on his soft sweet skin. I kept thinking to myself "Why us!?! Why Elijah!?! He's had such a short hard life already as it is and now this!?!" 

Once we got to the hospital thousands of questions where asked and Elijah was kept on oxygen and taken to get a chest x-ray. They also checked his tongue due to the fact he nearly bit it in half during the seizure and ended up not needing to sew it. After keeping him on the monitor for an hour or two Elijah started to wake up. Shortly after he woke up he threw up blood all over me. Due to bitting his tongue so badly he had so much blood drain in his stomach.  Nearly a half hour after he threw up and nearly 2 hrs after the seizure they sent us home with instructions to follow up with his doctor in the morning. 

When we got home I was a wreck, I did not want to leave his side. He was so tried and weak. He slept in bed right next to me that night, I was too scared to close my eyes in fear that he might have another seizure.  Sure enough I was right! He continued to have seizures in the morning and would sleep after the seizures. 

We took him to his follow up appointment with his Ped. the doctor just scratched his head in confusion wondering what was causing this and told us if continues to have more seizures then to take him to the hospital. 

Shortly after we left Jason went to pick up a application to fill out and while he was filling out the application Elijah began to have another seizure. We rushed him to the hospital and by the time we got there he was sleeping again. But when he was awake I noticed something wasn't right with him...He wasn't using the right side of his body and the right side of his face was droopy a bit. 

The hospital rushed us to a room right away and this time did blood work followed by thousands of questions again and not even 2hrs later sent us home again with the same instructions, follow-up with his doctor in the morning. 

Another sleepless night...But this time I got some sleep but not for long. As I was sleeping I felt like God was telling me "Check on Elijah", I jumped out of bed and ran to Elijah's room to find him having another seizure! I grabbed Elijah in my arms and screamed for Jason. We just began to pray over him as I sat there on the floor holding his stiff body. Thankfully this time it only lasted for 2 mins. but those 2mins felt like a life time. 

In the morning we took Elijah yet again to another follow-up appointment (your probably wondering why we didn't take him to the hospital for the seizure he had during the night...That's because at this point the hospital kept telling us there was nothing they could do and kept sending us home.) and yet again the doctor was scratching his head but this time I had something to say. I told him I wanted Elijah admitted to the hospital for evaluation. The doctor told us he could try but he doubted they would take him. I told the doctor he NEEDED to get him admitted and that I would be calling at noon. We went home to get our bags ready for the hospital and waited for the phone call...But never got it because yet again we were faced with another seizure. We rushed Elijah to the hospital again and on the way I called to speak to the doctor to tell him we were on the way to the hospital now and that Elijah was having another seizure. He told us they were waiting for us on the third floor. 

Once we got to our room doctors and nurses came in the room asking thousands of the same questions we have heard for the past two days and they looked at us like we were crazy and didn't know what we were talking about. 

Once the doctors left the nurse wanted to see how Elijah was walking around (because he was awake), I was sitting next to her and as he was walking to me she said he looked like he had Partial Paralysis on the right side of his body. She went to go get a doctor to take a look at Elijah and shortly after she left the room yet again Elijah has another seizure. By the time she gets back with the doctor Elijah is sleeping in his crib. The doctor talked with Jason and I and looked at Elijah and told us she wants a CT-Scan done TONIGHT and that if he has anymore seizures he was going to be placed in ICU in critical condition because he is having back-to-back seizures that he isn't really waking up from. Jason ended up having to leave for work by this time I'm alone with Elijah and Elisabeth (Elisabeth was not even 4-5mos old yet and still nursing).
So, the guy came with the wheelchair to take Elijah and me to the CT-Scan. On the way Elijah had another seizure (you should have seen the guys face, he was white as a ghost) so we hurried through the CT-Scan to get Elijah back to the room. Once we were done and waiting to be wheeled back to the room yet again ANOTHER seizure, this time not even 10-15mins after the last one. It seemed like they were getting closer and closer together and we needed to stop them NOW!!! So, once we got to the room the guy and myself went looking for a nurse or the doctor. He ended up finding the nurse and she came in to look Elijah over and then let the doctor know. Shortly after she left the room Elijah has another seizure! I run out of the room yelling for help and the room FILLS with people saying they need to take him to ICU NOW. We get rushed to ICU and once we get in the room he has another seizure in the nurses arms, they hook him up to oxygen and the monitors and people start asking me thousands of questions and one nurse tells me Elisabeth can't be in here with me. I'm bawling and all I want to do is just hold my sweet boy and for them to stop the seizures. I step out of the room to call Jason and let him know I need his mom to pick up Elisabeth and what is going on with Elijah. Not even 10mins later Rose (my mother-in-law) is there to pick up Elisabeth. Once I get back in the room I'm told Elijah needs a spinal tap done and a Central Line placed in his leg. I sign the papers and the room fills with doctors and nurses. Right on the crib in front of me is my baby boy who's looking at me with so much fear and pain in his eyes and I can't do anything to help him. I was crushed! And all of a sudden his eyes close...They started the spinal tap. Not even 5mins into the spinal tap Elijah's Blood Pressure starts dropping, and it's dropping fast! The doctor is at the head of Elijah rubbing his head and singing praise and worship music over him and says to the doctor doing the Tap, you have less them 2mins to get this done! She wasn't fast enough to the head doctor jumped in to finish it.  Elijah began to get stable and they started the central line in his groin. Once they were all day it was a bit of a sigh of relief knowing they were going to be able to stop these seizures. But our biggest thing...finding out what is causing the seizures. 
By this time I was running on NO sleep for nearly 3 days, I was a wreck! Due to the stress my milk was drying up and I was in a lot of pain, but I needed to nurse and Elisabeth wasn't there. 
Once Jason was done with work he came up to the hospital and said we should go to his parents to get rest and nurse Elisabeth but I didn't want to leave my babies side! I was in fear of what might happen, but I went because the nurse said I needed to get rest and I looked like I could use it. She said he was going to be sleeping all night anyways due to the Anestesia he got for the Spinal Tap and Central line. 
So, we were off to my in-laws and all I could think about was the past 3days. It was so hard to function. I felt numb and kind of angry with God. I didn't understand why this was all happening to my son. I just asking God "WHY?" and "How could this happen?"
We get to Jason's parents house and I sit on the couch. I felt like everything around me was just going and I wasn't going anywhere, it was like I was glassed over and only my brain was thinking...thinking and replaying the Grand Mal seizure. I kept seeing my baby blue, almost gone from me and having a seizure. How do you stop seeing your child's near death experience from playing OVER AND OVER in your head!?! I was just SO traumatized!
I started talking to Jason's parents about what happened over the past three days and we all just cried.
After we were done talking I needed to go lay down and nurse Elisabeth. I took her to the bedroom and just kept praying and asking God to give me the strength to get through this and that I couldn't do it without Him there. I prayed myself to sleep but woke up shortly after in a panic about Elijah due to dreaming about the seizure in Hobby Lobby. It seemed every time I would close my eyes to TRY to get sleep I would have the same "dream" over and over.
I went out to the living room to see to get my phone to call the hospital to check on Elijah. They said he was sleeping and hasn't had anymore seizures.
I felt a little at peace knowing that but still worried and scared. I went back to lay down because I had a horrible headache from the lack of sleep and all the crying.

I woke up around 5am and ready to go to my son! I wanted to get there before they did any of the tests for that day or the doctors did there rounds. Once we got to the hospital and beside Elijah he was somewhat awake but extremely out of it. I asked to hold him and they helped place him on my chest. How I longed to just be able to hold him again and give him hugs and kisses. To whisper prayers and my love in his ears. To speak LIFE over him!!! I wasn't going to let Satan take him away from me. I sat there and sang praises over Elijah and told him great of a boy he has been and that I wasn't going to give up fighting for him. That Jesus was going to heal his body!
Later that morning the doctors came in to do there rounds. They pretty much told us when Elijah wakes up, he won't remember anything and that he most likely lost full function on his right side. They were preparing us for the worst. They also told us they were expecting us to be there for a week if not more and that this is something he is going to battle for the rest of his life.
I called my mom in the parents room in the back (it has a shower, food, chairs to sleep on) and told her the news from the doctor. I broke down and started crying. I kept ask her "Why would God think I'm strong enough for this!?! Why Elijah!?!"
Later in the day Elijah started to wake up more he looked at me like he didn't know who I was. I tried to pick him up to hold him and he cried. He wanted daddy. My heart broke to a thousand pieces! My sweet boy that I spent every day all day with didn't know who I was anymore. I went to the parent room cried and prayed "PLEASE God, please help me to have the strength, please help him to remember!" I then called my mom to talk to her and just cry.

Elijah had tests after tests done (MRI, CT-Scan, EEG, EKG, Blood work-nearly daily) and kept improving, showing us how much of a fighter he was! GOD is good people!!! Elijah was placed ICU in Critical Condition on May 18th with the doctors not expecting him to make it and was released from the hospital May 20th! His partial Paralysis was nearly gone but still was going to need Physical Therapy, he lost some memory...But he was alive, happy, and full of life as a fighter!
The doctors said all the tests they ran all came back normal and that they weren't sure what was causing the seizures but he is doing well. They sent us home in the afternoon on the 20th with him on Seizure medication and a Neurologist to follow up with.
All I could keep doing was thinking how much of a miracle Elijah was and praising God for everything He has done. I knew we were going to have a hard journey ahead of us but we God as our strength!

The journey continued and to this day still continues. Over the summer Elijah had a couple breath through seizures and his seizure medication levels would get changed each time and later was placed on another seizure medication when we nearly lost him again before Christmas last year due to cluster seizures. He was again placed in ICU for three days. But the little fighter he is made great improvements.
He now sees therapists three days a week in our home and is seeing many specialists and a new Neurologist at the Detroit Children's Hospital here in Michigan. Last week we met with his Genetic Specialist for the first time and he spotted a small mass on the back of Elijah's brain from his MRI he had done last year. If you can please be in prayer that this mass is nothing but something Neurological.
This is Elijah's Journey, it is much longer then this but I have shortened it to the best I can. He faces challenges every day with possibly Autism or Fragile X Syndrome but he is a fighter and has a heart for God like I've never seen! He's taught me so much in life and love and to trust in God. When I first found out I was pregnant with Elijah God told me He had Big plans for Elijah but never did I think it would be this. I love this boy with all my heart. He amazes me each and every day and makes me laugh, cry, and praise God for everything I have.
I would not have been able to get through this if I didn't have God in my life. He was my Rock and Shield through this journey and storm and continues to be through the battles and challenges we face ahead. I'm not angry with God for what has happened to my son. I'm thankful! I'm thankful that I get to learn from my son that teach ME!