As I watch Elijah play around the living room and Elisabeth sleep soundly on my chest I think about how much motherhood has changed my life and my definition of self. Motherhood changes us, it causes us to stretch beyond what we can often imagine and teaches us to take on new roles. Roles that may not even fit with "who we are".
Before I was married and had my kids I had a carefree life. Living out of my car and couch surfing from friends house to friends house. I even learned to dumpster dive from a couple of friends I lived with and that's how we got most of our food (we even found some really niffty thing's). I always wanted children growing up but never did I think motherhood would be so soon for me...(don't get me wrong, I love my role as wife and mama). I often dreamt of adventures, trips around the world, photographying my journeys, and outreach in Africa. I often thought about moving to Europe and even put in a application to YWAM in Norway. I wanted to travel, be creative, and live my life MY way. Little did I know God had a different path for my life.
I was living in Indiana and found out I was pregnant at twenty-one and married my husband three weeks shortly after we found out. And just like that my life changed forever. I found myself being a stay-at-home mama and wife changing diapers, making meals and play dates. It was all so much more different then I ever imagined and harder, but yet I wouldn't change it for anything. A part of me still wanted to have a carefree life, the open road. But yet the idea of being away from my husband and son for even one week saddened me. As a mama, I gained a whole new meaning and definition of myself. My life became patience, love, and joy. And my adventures well, they became day trips with my son to the park or to a play date with friends. Right now my adventure is my son trying to get to my bible as I type this. To be honest, I'm still learning motherhood and I'm sure even when my children are grown and have children of there own I will STILL be learning. I'm sure it will be years before I fully have peace in my new role and definition in myself.
I often think about what I would be doing, what new adventure I would be embarking on, and where I would be in life. I used to wonder who I was, who I was becoming and how to identify with myself. But over time, I have slowly found new ways to define who I am. I have stretched beyound the boundaries of my old self and created a NEW idea of who I was that somewhat connected to my orginal self.
I am creative through my photography and little crafty projects here and there in a schedual that fits for my family life so I can be "mama" first and foremost.
I am adventurous in family trips, or mama get aways. I went to a Joyce Meyer Conference in Missouri with women from our church.
I may not be on the path that I had for myself but yet I have found my cente and have finally met the dreams I held for myself through motherhood. Motherhood requires flexibility. You discover new things about yourself and rediscover old things that you thought you had to give up along the way. My babies are both under two years old and yet the adventures are only just beginning for us. I look forward to what the future holds and the journey it brings. I love the challenges they put before me. Are they hard? Of course they are! But it's only worth it and it will only make us so much stronger in the end.
I get to experience life all over again as I go through life with my children. This new Me is a really good look on me and I embrace every moment I have with my two beautiful children. There smiles and laughter bring me so much joy. I so often watch my son play and just think how truly blessed I am to get to watch him learn and grow.
I AM blessed!
